Narcissism Shapes How People Perceive Similarity In Friendships, Study Finds

Friendships are a cornerstone of psychological well-being, protecting individuals from stress and loneliness while enhancing emotional resilience. Unlike family or romantic relationships, friendships are voluntary and flexible, often feeling less demanding while remaining deeply rewarding.

Because they are freely chosen, friendships frequently form around perceived similarity. People tend to feel closest to those who share their values, perspectives, and even sense of humor. However, certain extreme personality traits can distort perceptions of similarity.

Narcissism is one such trait that influences how individuals perceive themselves and those around them. People with higher levels of narcissistic traits often experience close relationships through a distorted lens, either elevating themselves above their friends or idealizing others while devaluing their own qualities.

Narcissism and the Social Mirror

Narcissism is generally characterized by an elevated sense of entitlement, a need for admiration, and a tendency to view oneself as special or superior. Psychologists typically distinguish between two major forms: grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism.

Grandiose narcissism is characterized by outward confidence and dominance. Individuals high in this trait often appear charismatic and assertive but tend to exhibit lower empathy and a strong desire to stand out. They may seek high-status friends to reinforce their self-image.

Vulnerable narcissism shares the same underlying sense of entitlement but presents very differently. These individuals are generally more insecure, emotionally sensitive, and prone to withdrawal. They may fluctuate between feelings of superiority and intense shame.

Both forms of narcissism can create tension within friendships. Narcissistic individuals may desire close, impressive friends while simultaneously needing to preserve a sense of uniqueness. This internal conflict can lead them either to devalue their friends or to idealize them unrealistically.

Humor as a Test of Similarity

To examine how narcissism influences perceived similarity in friendships, psychologist Tobias Altmann of the University of Duisburg-Essen and psychologist Destaney Sauls of Michigan Technological University focused on humor. They reasoned that humor plays a central role in social bonding and provides a useful lens through which to study social perception.

Humor helps people connect quickly, reduce tension, and communicate shared values. Psychological research commonly categorizes humor into four styles: two considered adaptive and socially beneficial, and two considered maladaptive and potentially harmful.

Affiliative humor is an adaptive style that uses inclusive and friendly jokes to strengthen relationships. Self-enhancing humor is also adaptive and involves maintaining a positive, humorous perspective during stressful situations, often using humor as a coping strategy.

On the maladaptive side, aggressive humor targets others in ways that belittle or control them. It includes sarcasm, ridicule, and cutting remarks intended to assert superiority. Self-defeating humor involves exaggerated self-deprecation to gain approval or avoid conflict.

Altmann and Sauls examined whether narcissistic traits influence how individuals perceive their own use of these humor styles compared with their best friends. Specifically, they sought to determine whether narcissism alters perceptions of shared humor and social connection.

Two Cross-National Friendship Studies

The researchers conducted two cross-sectional studies, one in Germany and one in the United States, to determine whether the observed patterns would generalize across different cultures and age groups. The German sample included 129 adults with diverse life experiences, while the U.S. sample consisted of 131 participants, most of whom were college students.

All participants completed validated questionnaires assessing both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. They were then asked to think of a specific same-sex best friend and evaluate both their own humor style and their perception of their friend’s humor style.

Using a modified humor assessment instrument, participants rated how frequently they and their friend used affiliative, self-enhancing, aggressive, and self-defeating humor. This allowed the researchers to compare self-perceptions with perceptions of close friends.

The researchers then examined discrepancies between self-ratings and friend ratings. The central question was whether individuals perceived themselves as similar to their best friends and whether higher levels of narcissism reduced that perceived similarity.

The Humor Gap in Narcissistic Friends

Among participants with lower levels of narcissistic traits, the findings were straightforward: they generally perceived their friends’ humor styles as similar to their own. This replicated the common finding that friends are often viewed as similar in important social behaviors.

However, as narcissistic traits increased, this sense of similarity began to weaken. Participants with higher narcissism scores perceived larger discrepancies between their own humor styles and those of their close friends, suggesting that narcissism disrupts the typical perception of similarity within friendships.

Among individuals with higher levels of grandiose narcissism, the pattern reflected self-enhancement. These participants rated themselves as using more adaptive and socially constructive humor than their friends, particularly affiliative and self-enhancing humor.

At the same time, they described their friends as relying more heavily on maladaptive forms of humor, including aggressive and self-defeating humor. In other words, they placed themselves on a social pedestal while subtly diminishing the social quality of their friends’ humor.

Participants with higher levels of vulnerable narcissism demonstrated nearly the opposite pattern, which the researchers described as friend-enhancement. They tended to rate their friends as using more adaptive and positive forms of humor than they themselves used.

These individuals viewed their own humor as more self-defeating or maladaptive while attributing greater levels of affiliative and self-enhancing humor to their friends. Rather than elevating their own image, they enhanced the perceived strengths of those around them.

What the Patterns Reveal About Needs

These contrasting patterns reflect the psychological needs underlying each form of narcissism. Grandiose narcissists protect their self-image by devaluing others, particularly in domains that could threaten their sense of superiority, such as social charm and likability.

By portraying their friends’ humor as harsher or less socially skilled, they reinforce a narrative in which they are more socially competent and emotionally balanced. This helps sustain their internal perception of exceptional status, even within close relationships.

Vulnerable narcissists, by contrast, are often burdened by insecurity and shame. Idealizing friends may serve as an indirect means of seeking validation, reinforcing the belief that they are surrounded by admirable people whose approval is highly valued.

This tendency to elevate others while diminishing oneself may increase dependence on friends for emotional reassurance. It also suggests that even within supportive relationships, their self-perception remains fragile and distorted.

Cultural Nuances and Study Limitations

Although the overall trends appeared in both Germany and the United States, the detailed statistical patterns were not identical. The researchers noted that age, life stage, and cultural context likely influence how friendships develop and how humor is expressed.

Older adults in the German sample may select friends based more on shared values and long-term compatibility, including humor preferences. By contrast, many participants in the U.S. sample were young students whose friendships often developed through proximity, such as shared classes or residence halls.

The study relied on self-report questionnaires, which have well-known limitations. Humor is highly subjective, and participants may misjudge both their own style and that of their friends, particularly when asked to generalize across situations.

Measures of grandiose narcissism also demonstrated relatively low internal consistency, a common limitation of brief personality assessments. As a result, the findings should be interpreted cautiously and replicated using more robust measurement tools.

The authors suggest that future research could incorporate direct behavioral measures, such as asking participants to create jokes or humorous captions and then having friends evaluate them. Such approaches would help determine whether perceived humor differences reflect actual behavior or primarily biased interpretations.

Why It Matters for Everyday Friendships

Despite these limitations, the findings highlight how extreme personality traits can subtly shape everyday social interactions. For individuals with elevated narcissistic traits, even something as simple as a shared laugh may become a mechanism for self-protection or self-doubt.

In grandiose narcissism, friendships risk becoming platforms for reinforcing superiority, potentially undermining mutual respect over time. In vulnerable narcissism, friendships may become strained by persistent internal comparisons and idealization that diminishes self-worth.

Understanding these dynamics may help therapists, counselors, and individuals recognize why certain friendships feel unbalanced or emotionally exhausting. It may also inform interventions aimed at fostering more realistic and compassionate perceptions of both oneself and others.