Feeling Less Desirable Than Your Partner May Increase Relationship Conflict, Study Suggests
How people view their own desirability as a romantic partner may quietly shape the way they experience conflict, rivalry, and insecurity in their relationships. A new study published in Evolution and Human Behavior suggests that individuals who see themselves as less desirable than their partner tend to report more relationship conflict and greater competitiveness with potential romantic rivals—regardless of whether they are in monogamous or consensually non-monogamous relationships.
The researchers also found that relationship practices common in consensually non-monogamous partnerships, including open communication about jealousy and clear discussions about attractions to others, may help reduce some of the emotional strain associated with these perceptions.
Understanding mate value
In evolutionary psychology, the term mate value refers to a person's overall desirability as a romantic partner. It encompasses characteristics such as physical attractiveness, personality, emotional stability, financial resources, social status, and reliability.
When someone believes there is a difference between their own desirability and that of their partner, psychologists refer to this as a mate value discrepancy. Previous research has shown that people who perceive themselves as having lower mate value often experience greater insecurity, jealousy, and concern about losing their relationship.
Most previous studies have focused almost exclusively on monogamous couples. The new research, led by Faith Swanson of Texas State University, expands this work by examining whether similar psychological patterns also occur in consensually non-monogamous relationships, including open relationships and polyamorous partnerships.
A large international sample
The researchers analyzed survey responses from 512 adults who were currently involved in romantic relationships. Among them, 312 participants reported being in monogamous relationships, while 200 described their relationships as consensually non-monogamous.
Participants came from 62 countries, although most lived in Europe or North America and primarily identified as white and female. The average participant was approximately 35 years old, meaning the study mainly reflected adult relationships rather than adolescent dating experiences.
Participants completed questionnaires about themselves and up to two current romantic partners. They rated how difficult it would be to replace themselves or their partner in several areas—including physical attractiveness, emotional stability, and financial resources—to estimate perceived mate value.
Measuring jealousy and relationship behavior
The researchers also measured relationship conflict, anticipated jealousy, mate-retention behaviors, and competitiveness toward potential romantic rivals.
Anticipated jealousy referred to how distressed participants believed they would feel if a partner became emotionally or sexually involved with someone else. Mate-retention behaviors included positive efforts to strengthen a relationship, such as expressing affection or giving gifts, as well as more controlling behaviors, including restricting a partner's activities or criticizing potential rivals.
Participants in consensually non-monogamous relationships answered additional questions about how they managed multiple relationships. These included discussing feelings of jealousy, disclosing attraction to other people, establishing relationship hierarchies, practicing safer sex, and experiencing compersion—the feeling of happiness when a partner develops another romantic or sexual relationship.
Feeling less desirable was linked to more conflict
Across both relationship styles, one pattern appeared consistently. Participants who believed they had lower mate value than their partner generally reported higher levels of relationship conflict and stronger feelings of competition with potential romantic rivals.
The researchers suggest that, from an evolutionary perspective, this may reflect an adaptive tendency to become more vigilant when there is a perceived risk of losing a highly desirable partner. Throughout human history, losing an especially valuable mate could have affected access to resources, social standing, and reproductive opportunities.
Interestingly, however, differences in perceived mate value were not always strongly associated with jealousy or mate-guarding behaviors, as some previous studies have suggested. Instead, conflict and competitiveness showed the most consistent relationship with these perceptions.
Secondary relationships showed a different pattern
The findings became more complex when the researchers examined secondary partners within consensually non-monogamous relationships. Secondary partners generally represent newer or less deeply integrated relationships than primary partners, who often receive greater commitment and shared responsibilities.
In these secondary relationships, participants who viewed themselves as having higher mate value actually reported more conflict, jealousy, and mate-retention behaviors.
The researchers speculate that individuals who perceive themselves as especially desirable may have higher expectations for how they should be treated. When relationships are newer or less secure, unmet expectations may increase frustration or encourage greater efforts to maintain control over the relationship.
Communication appeared to reduce tension
One of the study's most encouraging findings involved communication. Participants in consensually non-monogamous relationships who openly discussed jealousy or honestly disclosed attraction to other people generally reported lower levels of both jealousy and relationship conflict.
Experiencing compersion also appeared to be associated with healthier relationship dynamics. People who were able to genuinely feel happy about a partner's additional romantic relationships tended to report fewer possessive feelings and smoother relationship maintenance.
By contrast, relationships that relied on strict partner hierarchies were associated with greater conflict, stronger jealousy, and more mate-retention behaviors. According to the researchers, clearly ranking partners may intensify comparisons and fears of being replaced.
Gender differences and relationship style
The study also identified several modest gender-related patterns that were broadly consistent with previous evolutionary psychology research.
Men who viewed themselves as having relatively low mate value were more likely to perceive other men as romantic competitors. Women in monogamous relationships, meanwhile, reported greater competitiveness when they viewed their partner as especially desirable, suggesting increased vigilance toward potential rivals.
Overall, participants in consensually non-monogamous relationships generally reported lower levels of sexual and possessive jealousy than those in monogamous relationships. The researchers note that this difference may reflect self-selection, relationship agreements, or greater experience managing complex emotional situations.
Important limitations
The researchers emphasize that the study cannot establish cause and effect. Because the data were collected at a single point in time, it remains unclear whether perceiving oneself as less desirable increases conflict or whether existing relationship conflict influences how people evaluate their own mate value.
The observed effects were also relatively modest, which is common in relationship research where many psychological and social factors interact. In addition, only 88 participants provided information about a second romantic partner, limiting the strength of conclusions regarding secondary relationships.
The authors argue that mate value represents only one part of relationship security, alongside factors such as communication, attachment style, trust, personality, and cultural influences. They recommend future longitudinal studies that follow both partners over time to better understand how these perceptions evolve.
Although additional research is needed, the study expands relationship science beyond a solely monogamous perspective by identifying psychological processes that appear across different relationship structures while also highlighting the importance of relationship context. The findings suggest that how people perceive their own value—and how openly partners communicate about those feelings—may play an important role in shaping relationship conflict and emotional well-being.
Article prepared by Victoria Caldwell.
